Ghoulina

horror_star @ 2009-12-24T11:55:00

2009-12-24T19:57:52Z

it just won't ever feel the same without you
it's during this holiday that i miss you more then ever.

merry christmas.

horror_star @ 2009-07-22T21:26:00

2009-07-23T05:26:24Z

1 black lips ticket 20 bucks
2 placebo tickets 75 bucks
1 blink ticket 80
2 mstrkrft/steve aoki tic 130

EEk.

horror_star @ 2009-07-06T18:02:00

2009-07-07T02:02:07Z

lately it's just not enough.

hell is for children

2009-03-02T21:40:23Z

sometimes i want to sleep forever
dreams are so much better then life right now.

horror_star @ 2009-02-23T14:18:00

2009-02-23T22:18:41Z

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

i hate this part right here

2009-01-10T02:01:16Z

five years and one day ago tonight
I was talking about the shoes i was going to buy for the school dance, i asked to borrow money, i explained my day at school..and I said goodbye the same way I had said it any other night. A normal goodbye with the assumption i'd say Hello the next day.

five years ago tonight
I told her I loved her, something I had told her daily, except this night she wasn't able to say it back. I held her hand and i watched her fragile chest move up and down I listened to the roughness of her breaths and I rested my head on her and let my tears soak onto the hospital blankets. I whispered into her ear and now i worry that i spoke too quietly for her to really hear me.

When I got home on Jan 9th 2004 I knew something was wrong when my grandma was sitting at the living room table smelling of some kind of liqour, tears down her face. I knew something was really wrong when I recieved the phone call from my Dad telling me the family had better come to the hospital. I knew it was over when I woke up the next morning and was told she was gone. But it never clicked in. I went to school the next day, i was still concerned about the school dance and what i was going to wear, and I never cried. I mean of course I cried, but not the amount you'd imagine one would cry. And now five years later there's a horrible ache in my chest and the tears won't stop falling and i wonder had i cried more back then would i not be feeling so much pain right now? There are so many things i regret, about shopping on the last day of her life and not spending the entire day with her. Wondering why she left others a letter and not me. Never once did she talk to me about dying, no "i'll always be there with you" no "It will all be okay"..why didn't i get any of that? why didnt i get a realy goodbye...why did she go without making sure i was okay. When does it all stop hurting. Whenever i find myself comforting others in their time of need i always say "it will be okay, it won't hurt so much later"
but I don't even believe my own words, it doesn't hurt any less then it did five years ago, if anything it hurts more.

.

2008-12-28T21:23:14Z

I thought I saw your face today
But I just turned my head away
Your face against the trees
But I just see the memories
As they come
As they come
And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

I saw it glitter as I grew
And loved a boy I never knew
I thought this place was heaven-sent
But now it's just a monument
In my mind
In my mind
And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

In the cars and freeways, and poor-me Tuesday
Away out of this place
My mother said, 'just keep your head and play it as it lays."

As it lays

In the cars and freeways, and poor-me Tuesday
Away out of this place
My mother said, 'just keep your head and play it as it lays."

As it lays

I somehow see what's beautiful
In things that are ephemeral
I'm my only friend of mine
and love is just a piece of time
In the world
In the world
And I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again
No, I couldn't help but fall in love again

there's no air

2008-02-20T22:27:42Z

i thought i was doing really well
for a while i didn't have any regrets
but today as i was cleaning i found so many pictures and t-shirts i just broke down crying. I know for most of the part i screwed everything up, but it's so hard to let go of something when you lived two years of your life that way. I don't know if i miss him, but i miss everything about being in love. I was so sure that we were soulmates, that we'd move in together, and even when things were coming to an end i was certain he was the one. I miss having someone that knows everything about you and loves you regardless. Someone who is ALWAYS there for you, and always loving you. It's suc a disgusting feeling to have all that taken away from you i cant even describe. A break up is almost worse than a death, and yes i can speak from experience. Because a death, for the most part is un avoidable, but a breakup... it's always a question of "could i have tried harder?". He thinks everything i've done since our break up has been because i dont love him anymore, but that's far from the truth. Perhaps his way of dealing with our break up is to get smashed at the rose every night, good for him. But mine, as bad as it is, is to fill my time up as much as possible. I dont like being a lone, i dont like it...so i haven't been. And i'm sorry, as bad and horrible as it sounds that's just the type of person i am.
i'm sorry, this is such a pointless rant, i just needed a break from cleaning and crying.

give me a reason to hold on

2008-02-09T19:11:13Z

dear david usher

thank you for the hug hello
you are my hero
now marry me.

horror_star @ 2008-01-22T00:59:00

2008-01-22T09:00:20Z

it's sad when you rely on facebook to learn about other peoples lives
i'm done with this shit.

..as soon as i figure out how the hell i delete this thing

horror_star @ 2008-01-09T04:00:00

2008-01-09T12:01:01Z

longlonglong day
but a funny one at that

i would like saturday to just hurry up and get here please

david usher

2007-12-19T09:48:46Z

david usher
Originally uploaded by janey_jane_doe

horror_star @ 2007-12-17T12:48:00

2007-12-17T20:49:51Z

thought for the day
this is the first christmas i'll be alone in four years
what a depressing holiday.

i miss you.

horror_star @ 2007-12-16T02:01:00

2007-12-16T10:03:16Z

my feelings are so mixed up it's nuts
im not sure why i feel so upset
i feel..used?
and it's not like i really actually care
it's jstu wierd getting out of a two year realationship and being thrown into the single world
i'm not used to being alone

i want to move to calgary so badly
i have a place to stay until i figure everything out there
i just have to find a job that will pay for rent
i need a new atmosphere
because everything here is already so screwed up
i've ruined most of the good things i had going

there's a few people i'd stay here for
and the rest of the shit here is makign me want ot leave so bad

HAHHA

2007-12-02T10:10:41Z

dear lj, picture this before i forget

nick opens bathroom door
tayler is peeing
tayler turns to nick and goes 'wtf dude im peeing?'
nick walks in anyway
and closes the door behind him

me and amber witness the whole thing
yes
i LOL'D IRL

horror_star @ 2007-12-02T01:00:00

2007-12-02T09:01:03Z

i am going crazy
i don't know what to do
BAHHH

horror_star @ 2007-11-26T14:04:00

2007-11-26T22:05:10Z

dear you, please stop creeping my live journal.

horror_star @ 2007-11-25T12:30:00

2007-11-25T20:31:35Z

someone fucking shoot me in the head
i am a compete idiot
no more drinking.

horror_star @ 2007-11-24T00:10:00

2007-11-24T08:11:59Z

i hate crying.

being alone is the most disgusting feeling ever
for the last two years of my life i have had someone there to hug and kiss
to tell me they love me
falling asleep alone sucks
i want nothing more than to pick up the phone tell him i love him and have him tuck me in and say goodnight
fuck, its like quitting a drug. i want him back so badly , my heart feels like its being pulled out of my throat.

sweetness follows

2007-11-23T06:11:40Z

Life was so much easier at 16
you always knowing growing up is going to be hard, but you never realize how hard until it's time to do it. I'm at that stage in my life were it's like everything is one huge decision, a really fucking hard decision . Falling in love at 16 is stupid, and it hurts. I wish peoples feelings didn't have to change, i wish we could grow up and change together, i wish that we'd already experienced everything we needed to, i wish we didn't have to seperate to figure out if we're meant to be together. I wish letting him go didn't feel so fucking bad.
to have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all?
maybe, but it would have saved me a lot of tears.

horror_star @ 2007-11-19T01:15:00

2007-11-19T09:15:48Z

life could not be any more depressing.

horror_star @ 2007-11-15T11:42:00

2007-11-15T19:43:16Z

bumpiest two years ever but i would not trade them in for the world
i love you to death

i hope it's not too late

horror_star @ 2007-10-31T01:38:00

2007-10-31T08:40:45Z

reading old lj entries is a really terrible idea

i miss the days of endless sleep overs with amber
when we hung out so much people thought we were lesbians

i miss magnus, who used to cry, and tell me he thought of me as his sister
when he hugged us and you could really feel how much he cared

i miss nick, when we'd go downtown almost every weekend
and buy really big cookies and hold hands

i miss feeling complete, the times where i really thought we'd all be BFF"S

i miss that.

horror_star @ 2007-10-29T01:35:00

2007-10-29T08:36:53Z

i hate you so much for making me so paranoid
i can't even trust the one person i know would never ever hurt me and i blame you for that

calgary=good times

2007-10-12T20:09:19Z

Being legal is definatley a beautiful experience

to sum up my trip:

Night One: Bought Liquor Legally
Went to Hooters... UGLIEST GIRLS I HAVE EVER SEEN
Went to the Back Alley (night club) got a body shot, and a lap dance by a cowboy stripper
Drank: 3 Highballs and 10 shots?
Danced the night away to artists like Motley Crue, Sublime, Nirvana, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, ..and a little Britney Spears
Passed out in hotel

Day 2
Went the the Casino and played Slots...definatley addicting...didn't win much..haha
Cruised Downtown Calgary
Went to Two Pubs to start off the night..have a new found love for Guiness MMM
Played Bar Pool
Lined up for David Usher
Had to wait 2 hours for him to come on so Drank a guiness and a .."insert fancy drink name here"
David Usher
Pictures with David Usher
and than the cutest thing , the Guitarist..who always regonizes me and caelin came up to me and gave me a hug! so cute. i almost love him more than david
Went back to hotel and stayed up until 4 am when we went to catch our flight

been awake 1pm-9am

now i'm back...and not legal..and it sucks
i want to go dance more.
and i still dont have a costume for tomorrow...oops